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Do not let him blame you for any results b/c that is blameshifting and cheaters love to cast the Blame for their A on everyone else. The fact that he cant decide is a bunch of nonsense. As I said, that is the risk. If you no longer want him to hang out in bars w/out you present, then you need to clearly state that during MC or in your talks to him. She needs to make her decisions on her own and I doubt that she really moved out to find herself. Perhaps thats a small part of the reason, but I bet she did more so that she could spend more time with the affair partner. Im already seeing a lot of similarities between what he says and what is happening in our lives. And I am much happier this way. I dont want him back, I cant take him back after everything Ive been through but he has abandoned his kids and his financial responsibility, my kids are just numb to everything hes doing, (theyre teenagers) its literally like hes a different person. I wish I could stick to it. The most hurtful words I ever said. I begged, pleaded, threatened.you know, did everything I shouldnt have! The affair fog is a mighty grip On reality for the cheater. I feel like an annoyance. I tell him I feel like he hates me, but he says he could never hate me. He had to come to that conclusion on his own. And he was like I wanted to be home with the baby..and I looked at him and laughed and I said but you werent..you went out. and he was like well ya but I wasnt out late! Your advice is great and its so right. I feel like they are evidence we did something right. I never told you I would leave you because you were in an affair. When I finally removed myself from his game he was left with nothing. He said he doesnt know why I keep thinking that but that I am wrong. He changed. Sometimes I feel like he just wants a way out, to escape. I feel like he wont ever feel that way again. You remain calm. And the pattern will continue with one fake and phony relationship after another. It is not about control. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. And the minute he lies and you know it you calmly tell him that you expect him to be honest with you no matter what. Im sure thats not what you want. He is destroying a family but then again he doesnt care. Dont hit rock bottom b/c someone in your life has decided THEY are confused and dont know what they want. I wish I could control it. We were only talkingnothing else! What will after work be like today, will he go somewhere, will he tell me he has plans tomorrow, will it be a bad weekend? I have a party for my brother Saturday night, which a year ago, would be an absolute given we would go as a family. He was still cheating. I dont want to live with my husband and father of my child just bc it makes it easier, even though he may be emotionally cheating still and im getting no affection, im walking on egg shells, I dont feel loved by any means. Park your car at the mall or similar place where you can disappear from him easily if hes the type that would follow you, because if he knows what youre doing and you spent the evening alone, hed be even more sure of your devotion and actually become worse than he already is. Take care of yourself first. Calm and rational confrontation. The coach tells my H, not many women would put up with H still working with OW (YeaIm a patsy ). I am moving on and focusing on my self. I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. So again, after a few weeks we decided he would leave again, which was 2 weeks ago, and he never left. I would have done almost anything EXCEPT allow my H to openly date the OW, wait around while he made a decision in two months or allow him to blame me for the A. Depressed State of Mind. Plan your own social life dont feel obligated to include him in you plans. Some recent behaviors led me to believe she was continuing the EA. All the comments he had been making to me was the start of his leaving. When he was telling me how wonderful our marriage was after DDay 1 and what a fool he was and how much he loved me, I believed it all. since I had no proof back then that anything happened and he denied it I had to accept it. Yes, Women Can Have a Mid-Life Crisis, Too - Sunday Edit And it wasnt as though the lies and truth were forthcoming. I do not get it. Of course I was very unprepared for the ILYBNILWY speech a few days later and demand for a D a week after DDay1. I was happy he had a brief affair and we were past it and still together. I had NO CLUE how a person could change in this way. Respond only if you have to. If you want to work at a paid job to build your own financial independence then your H must agree to it. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. I told him I see now that we want different lives. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. His phone went off a few times last night when he was asleep and I was VERY tempted to look at it, but I didnt. Im working out, im a great new mom, im getting in great shape and everyone is noticing, and hes waking up most mornings hungover. The discussions about her can be addressed at MC or in another conversation. Or get him to make a decision. I do not do his laundry or errands or cater to him. At age 47, after years of struggling to find security in academia, he had received tenure. When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. I cant explain it, I do know he loves me, but its almost as if he doesnt realize how much he loves me until he no longer has me. I cant prove it and if I go looking ill drive myself insane and thats not fair to me. When we first separated for the most part he seemed okay, he wanted to come here every night to see the baby, but he would leave and he seemed to be fine and it killed me. Sad to say your H has a support group who believe him. But when it continues while youre aware of it and youre dealing with your behaviors and the way youre acting, that is so much for a betrayed spouse to handle. I said I know youre still talking to her and I cant do it anymore. I walked away, he followed me and said I was wrong but I shut the bathroom door and got in the shower and then I told him I needed a breather and i went for a drive. At least you are not having yelling and screaming matches daily (not good for the baby or you). NO YELLING! I absolutely do NOT want to divorce him, I love him more than anything, but I just dont even know this person right now sometimes. Fog is lifting, now what? - DivorceBusting.com A cheater. I have come to realize that as long as she is in the fog I cannot love her enough or do enough for her to want to save our marriage. Thats the part that stays unforgivable. I would suggest that you stop trying to get her back and instead focus your energies on yourself. Worry about what YOU need to do in these 24 hoursI wake up and read the 180 instructions almost daily just to motivate myself. Those few days were SO bad for me, I really was backsliding emotionally and it was getting to me. Hahaha so for 30 years I treated you like a king with love and respect b/c I wanted to spite my parents? You remove yourself from his manipulative behavior. While I was busy raising and looking after everything in my house, he was busy looking after himself. I am not sure how this works. And then I got in the car and went for a drive. You are his W and deserve to be his #1. I just want my husband back. As if I got them from another man or something, ya right. That is where I was st DDay2. His emotional state was that rocky. I am so afraid he will feel his life is better without me in it somehow..I dont know HOW WE GOT HERE. Its hard for me to pinpoint what I did that caused you to get out of the fog because I dont really know when you got out of the fog. The confusing bit when he is around me twice he tried to sleep with me and most recent visit just kept try and cuddle me..: Im so confused my headspace is confused I dont think I want him back as he caused me so much pain but I do know I dont want him with her and I guess I want him to want to come back if that makes sense.. I said to him that when he met the OW he became a bar rat bc she was a bartender and he went to her bar everyday after work, and now hes doing that same thing at home, just without her involved. He realized he had everything he wanted and needed and it was right in front of him his whole life. Saying we wont ever be able to move past this unless I magically wake up and see that im this controlling person who didnt appreciate him, etc. Waiting for him to make a decision can only last so long. And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. Plain & simple! She was so screwed up mentally. I would hope he would change his mind, but I just cant beg. he can live whatever life he wants, and for some reason it does make me feel better. In my case, I am the CS. She had made a regular hole in our sex schedule to accommodate him! Yesterday he asked me where all my friends have been. I know down the road he would regret it. You have to be willing to face a possible second dday. I say this b/c the few people that know about his affair would have bet $1mil he would never be that guy who cheated. I think the issues stem the fact that he thought that because we were in contact we were still in a relationship. But now you are in limbo. If you are telling me how perfect our marriage is and how happy you are and you are cheating I think that says a lot about the cheater. Its much easier when he is apologizing and texting me and seems remorseful. No is an answer. I did this to protect me. I feel like if I just let go he will come around and wake up and see what hes losing. I am just SO NERVOUS about the next bomb dropping being him saying its finally time for a D for real this time. And 99% of that mentoring time is spent with betrayed spouses (usually female). Now you are just trying to co-exist and live peacefully. Protect yourself. Every thing I say im worried is wrong. I always felt thats why he was unhappy, because he had to supress his demons for so long. Best to you. Quite often the reasons exploredfor this unusual and often moody, hurtful behavior run the gamut from depression to midlife crisis to temporary insanity. I didnt want to talk about it. I have done so much reading and have handled this so calmly from DAY ONE, I almost regret it. But at DDay2 he knew he was no longer able to do that. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. We had a huge blowout fight on Monday. I did everything to make his life easy. He is saying he doesnt want to change. Do that a few times and see what happens. These are the things I did with my H. The Red Flags were he refused counseling. Its EXHAUSTING. They dont want our help (or anyone elses help). And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. Its like he is literally trying to push me out of the house. Your confrontation with him was to try and get your M off life support. Bc this is absolutely awful. These are good time relationships. She would just stare at them and never say a word. I dont even know what this is, but its not what I want. Yesterday he left to go get something he left somewhere. I think he feels deep down that he should be doing things a certain way, but then convinces himself no, I deserve to be happy. He wont get counseling. No lateness. Everyone thinks im great and we are a fantastic couple so I guess thats good. I dont want a husband like this. I hope he comes to his senses. Youre absolutely right. Nothing changed. I said go live the life you want to live, just stop coming here afterwards. I really no longer cared. But I get so upset bc I know if he is still speaking with her, he should in NO WAY be living in our home. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. I dont want him to look at us living together as roomates, but right now when were not working on us, thats basically what we are. There is nothing to show otherwise that anything woukd be different. I check his phone an hour later and manage to access his work email, where I find emails back and forth the weekend before with the OW from work. He told me I only married him to spite my parents. It will bring him up short. Unfortunately that is the truth. But its not. And I know hes still in there somewhere, but maybe his love for me is just not what it was. I really told myself I would do this 180 and stick to it, and then again this week I asked him to show me his phone and told him I know he is speaking with her, even though I dont know that. That said, some people quite frankly dont give a damn. He never saw me with an I dont give a crap attitude towards him before. Nothing worked or changed him. We laugh, we talk about normal things. But if they dont want it to end them the CS will find fine way to continue the A. At the funeral my husband did say he would not create a scene he would quietly remove any whore who showed up I simply told him I would call 911 he was NOT happy with my plan I dont really care anymore what he thinks about my choices to his cheating. That is how far our dynamics have changed. I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! I dont know a normal timeframe, I dont know if there is one. But he hasnt mentioned that in a week and just has been staying here. I think when he goes out of town my mind goes WILD. I know if I cut him off emotionally from me completely he would prob struggle, whether or not he would admit it like he did before I dont know, but I know he would feel it. But actions dont lie. I played along b/c I had no $ to my name. Learn how your comment data is processed. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. Come crawling back or find another OW. However he was the one that came to his senses. Its crazy, some days I feel SO good, and some days I feel SO awful. You lose all credibility and power. How jaded this makes us. The Reality Distortion Field When in the Fog of an Affair. He told me he didnt want that, and that he wanted to stay with me and our daughter. Dont be me. Financial access to all accounts and documents. WTF!! Innocent my arse!!!!! Doubtful your leaving would have stopped the affair. Talked to a coach on the phone from this outfit 3 months after the workshop, and when asked if we wanted to save our marriage, I responded a resounding Yes! H..I dont know.

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